I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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