dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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