i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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