I didn't shave. On purpose
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
