I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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