I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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