There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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