I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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