i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
