she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
