At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Found the puke drawer
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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