My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
