Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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