i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize