How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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