I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize