i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
