I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
