I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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