Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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