I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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