At least make sure they are 18
Why
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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