My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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