I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
