I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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