I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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