omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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