Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
