Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
