Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
