i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
