I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
