I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think I sprained my soul last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
