highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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