Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
