I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
