there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
