How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
