I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
