theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
