My pussy is not your playground.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
