omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
