this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
