I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
