I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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