my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
