I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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