Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think I won the penis lottery.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
