Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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