Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
