When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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