I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
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ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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