So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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