I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
