Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
