Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
