I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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