And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
