Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
